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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 26, 2014 10:01am-10:37am PDT

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obama's coffee cup salute on the couch. >> as a psychiatrist we may see these things unfolding, these episodes or anecdotes wherein the president seems to be at war not just with ourored by ncomedy centralurored by >> stephen: tonight, can military action solve global problems? well it's certainly alleviated the global rubble shortage. then, a surprising ally in the war onterror. meet the family black sheep brian bin laden. ( laughter ) and my guest, walter mischel, says the key to success is the patience to delay gratification. ooh! i want some delayed gratification now! ( cheers and applause ) a new mexico police officer claims to have seen a ghost on a
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surveillance camera. but he let it go because it was white. ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report"! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us.
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folks-- you know me. you know what we do. you know that i have never been a fan of attorney general and guy who likes what he sees, eric holder. well, today we found out that not only is he a jack-booted thug, but it turns out he's also a quitter. >> breaking news. a major departure from president obama's cabinet. eric holder, the first african american attorney general of the united states and the closest friend in the cabinet to president obama, is going to announce today that he is leaving the post. >> stephen: yep, obama's presidency is sinking so fast, even his friends don't want to stick around. i'm being told we have some footage of holder escaping the collapsing obama regime in the nick of time. ( cheers and applause ) i gotta say, i'm with mitch
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mcconnell here. this is very exciting. now, holder will be leaving in 2015, but so far no replacement has been named. so tonight, i humbly offer my services as attorney general. ( cheers and applause ) stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! i hear your call. full disclosure-- i am not an attorney, but i'm pretty good at things in general. and i'm a quick learner when it comes to legal matters. one time, i fell asleep during a "law and order" marathon and woke up knowing the word "jurisprudence." it's only a matter of time
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before i know what it means. and as our new attorney general, my thirst for justice will not be slaked until we solve cold cases like the untimely death last february of celbrated weather-predicting groundhog, staten island chuck. he'll be forever remembered in our hearts as the one that wasn't punxsutawney phil. because now a startling new revelation has come to light that suggests chuck's death may have been... murder! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) why are we just learning about this now? because it turns out this grisly tale of rodenticide goes all the way to the highest office in the land, then back down a few rungs to the mayor of new york city. jim? >> the new york post is reporting the groundhog, hoisted into the air and dropped by mayor bill deblasio in february, died from internal injuries a week after the groundhog day festivities.
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>> stephen: that's right, staten island chuck died after bill deblasio dropped him. of course, chuck had been dropped by a mayor before, but that was mayor bloomberg, so he only fell a few inches. now at the time that deblasio dropped him, it seemed like an accident, but think about it: staten island is the only borough that deblasio lost in the mayoral election. so he responded the only way staten island understands: with a mob-style execution of their most beloved resident. it was a cold-blooded groundhog hit job straight out of "woodfellas," ( laughter ) ( applause ) but the conspiracy goes even deeper, folks because after the mayor made sure chuck had seen his last shadow, staten island zoo officials went to great lengths to hide the death from the public-- possibly because the zoo gets nearly half its $3.5 million annual funding from the city. that's right.
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the mayor bought the zoo's silence. turns out elephants don't have such a great memory when they're being paid to "fuhget about it." fuhget about it. ( cheers and applause ) still, how did mayor deblasio pull it off? shouldn't a clairvoyant animal, able to see six weeks into the future, also see his own death coming? well bad news, bill-- he did. >> not the only bombshell in this report. chuck was actually charlotte. it was a female stand-in. and the groundhogs had been swapped out because zoo officials were concerned that chuck would have tried to bite the mayor. >> stephen: of course chuck would've tried to bite the mayor! it was kill or be killed! so chuck arranged for a body double-- no doubt after getting a tip from his mole in city hall.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, and don't even try to get your hands on chuck now, mayor deblasio. because i hear he's gone underground. ( laughter ) now, nation, we are just four days into our latest war. for more, let's go to something loud and flashy. da-da-duh-duhdun-dun-dun. airstrikes on terror. syria's business, shove it up their isil. ( cheers and applause ). jimmy? jimmy, i thought we were going to fix the sound on that. >> we did. >> stephen: great! sounds good. all right. folks, as excited as i am that we're finally dropping bombs, if i were in charge, i'd make it a little bombier. and i'm not the only one.
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>> this is part of the bomb damage assessment. there you see the picture before of a facility, and then after, and here's another one. >> you almost have to look twice. >> well you have to look twice. they blew up half the building where they say most of the telecommunication equipment was. >> that's just it. why didn't they blow up the whole building? essentially they knocked out cable tv for that building. >> yeah, why didn't they blow up the whole thing. all the airstrikes are doing is knocking out isis' cable but they will be sucked into a never-ending quagmire with the soulless enemy. that's against the geneva convention. plus, missiles aren't enough here. we need boots on the ground, yet obama refuses to send troops on the flimsy excuse that no one in the world thinks that's a good idea. fortunately, there's a new plan from america's greatest military mind. >> we need a worldwide strike force to be able to go to the hot spots in the world and conflont islamic terrorisms,
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jihaddists on the ground. we need that. but why should the united states have to protect the whole world? so my idea is to raise a force of mercenaries, well paid. if you don't pay, you don't get any protection. you wouldn't believe how many military people are calling me saying that's a great idea. >> stephen: he's right. he's right. i wouldn't believe him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and you know, folks, you know these mercenaries will be good guys because only the best people kill whoever you want for cash. it's quality folks is what i'm saying. unlike those suckers who do it for love of country. but, sadly, not everyone is seeing eye to eye with papa bear, like the lefties over at fox news. >> with your idea, you've gone from out of the box to off the wall. do you really want to be running around the world, responsible for a band of desperadoes? >> it could turn into a frankenstein force that you can't control with unintended
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consequences. >> there are unintended consequences. >> this is a terrible idea, a terrible idea, not just as a practical matter but as a moral matter. we're not going to solve this problem by creating an army of marvel avengers or the guardians of the galaxy. >> stephen: oh, come on! please! bill's plan isn't like the avengers or guardians of the galaxy. they'd be an elite team of pros putting their consciences aside to dish out violence for big money. so it's like the nfl. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but-- ( applause ) but as long as we're drafting our teams in bill's fantasy warfare league, folks, i've got my own plans for an elite strike force that i drew up years ago, in mrs. templeton's fourth grade english class. ( laughter ) and unlike bill's plan, mine doesn't need 25,000 mercenaires-- just 10.
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because they're all mutant double ninja supersoldiers with laser nunchuks. that's right. that's right, isis doesn't stand a chance against "stevie's super soldier squad." okay. there's brick, snake, tank, snake m., snake r. a lot of them are named snake so only snake doesn't have to use the last initial because he signed up first. these guys are all primed for the kill because they were frozen in cryostasis right after they saw their dog killed. which means when they thaw out they're like "nooooo!" karate chop! karate chop! pew-pew-pew! backflip! land on a skateboard! punch a dinosaur! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- and this is important, and this part-- i gotta write this down. and this part-- this part's important, okay-- they get to stay up as late as they want, and the only person
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answer to is the contessa, okay. she's firm but fair. and that black leather jumpsuit is just barely keeping it all in there for mrs. templeton-- i mean the contessa! ( laughter ) so listen up, bill. because as long as we're pretending there's a way to fight a war that doesn't involve sacrifice and that the american people and politicians don't have to feel any responsibility for, we should think bigger. like maybe my invisible bomb that blows up only bad guys. bill, you wouldn't believe how many military people are calling me and saying that's just as good as your idea. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. ( cheers and applause ). folks,
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it's nearly impossible to contemplate the true horrors of war. so instead, let's look on the lighter side of arial bombardment in tonight's smile file of death. tonight, the story slapping a grin on my skull is about our aeb allies in the war on terror. you are all brave men, with one exception. >> we learned today one of the pilots in the operation against isis is a woman from the united arab emirates. major mariam al-mansouri flies an f-16. >> she is the first female fighter pilot in the united arab emirates. she flies an f-16. and it's the u.a.e. team leader. >> stephen: a female fighter pilot, flying airstrikes for the u.a.e. she has shattered the glass ceiling. and the rest of the building as well.
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folks, i'm thrilled about this lady pilot-- or pil-ette-- because i've been a longtime supporter of women's equal right to fight in wars instead of me. ( laughter ) and i'm not the only one. >> hey isis, you were bombed by a woman. oh yeah. i hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women can't even drive. >> stephen: yeah! that's what i call progress for women! and nothing but nothing is going to roll that progress back. >> i hope that hurt extra bad from you because in some arab countries, women can't even drive. >> problem is, after she bombed it, she couldn't park it. >> i salute her. >> would that be considered boobs on the ground, or no? >> oh! >> stephen: wow! wow! i mean, how-- how ignorant-- how ignorant can you be? boobs onthe ground? this woman's a fighter pilot. show some respect. it's clearly a "pair in the air."
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( cheers and applause ) now, folks i'll be clear about something. i think there's nothing wrong with referring to somebody by their naughty parts. that's where i agree with the ( bleep ) on fox. like them, i salute major al-mansouri and her top guns. those sweater missles are locked and loaded. so isis, brace yourself for shock and "awww-yeah." there's a rack over iraq and you haven't seen weapons of mass destruction like this pair of abu double dhabis. because major al-mansouri is fighting isis and their oppressive, narrow-minded view of women, which should bring hope to all other intelligent, capable women who right at this moment may be suffering halfway around the world. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) amy: ... next witness.
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whoa, whoa, whoa. let me see those pants! jennie: my pants? amy: the court orders that you pivot, as to see the pants. so you like to look good in pants, huh? where did these pants come from? jennie: old navy. amy: how much were they? jennie: pixie pants are 25 dollars. amy: doesn't add up ma'am. jennie: all pants and jeans are on sale starting at $19, but not for long. amy: helen, can you read that back please? helen: but not for long... amy: paul, what do you think of those pants?
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i think the pants would be, in a better home, if they were on my legs. so... court's adjourned until we get those pants. helen let's go, you drive! chop chop!
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♪ here's a good one seattle... what did geico say the mariner? we could save you a boatload! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly ♪ what's seattle's favorite noise? the puget sound! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly ♪ all right, never mind doesn't matter. this is a classic. what does an alien seamstress sew with? a space needle! ♪ foghorn sounds loudly continuously ♪ oh come off it captain! geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
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>> stephen: my guest tonight is a psychologist whose new book says delayed gratification leads to more success in life. so if you really want to go places, you'll wait for the paperback. please welcome walter mischel! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here. is it dr. mischel? >> whatever you like. >> stephen: oh, no, whatever you like. >> my name is walter. >> stephen: it's just walter. ok, walter, thank you so much for being here. you hold the robert johnson niven chair as professor of psychology at columbia university. you're an egghead in more than one way. you've been elected to the national academy of sciences, the american academy of arts. and sciences, won the distinguished contribution award by the american psychological association. and your book is, "the marshmallow test: mastering self-control." this title has so many things i like-- "myself, control, and marshmallows." ok, explain to the people out there the marshmallow test. when did you hold these tests?
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>> most of the work was begun in the middle 60s, 1960s. and then it continued and continued and continued, and it's still ongoing now. >> stephen: so what's the test? >> the test actually-- you've got some-- you want-- and i -- >> stephen: i'll go with mine. i'll go with mine. these are pink. >> they're pink from paris. >> stephen: oh, from paris. let's do the paris pink ones. we have three marshmallows here. how does the test work. >> it works like this. if i'm the child -- >> stephen: i'll be the child. >> you're the child. two here, one here. now, there's al also a bell over here that you can ring. >> stephen: i ring it or you ring it? >> you ring it. >> stephen: ring. >> i come right back into the room. ring it again. >> stephen: ding. >> i come back into the room. now you can be i really come back into the room. >> stephen: i understand. >> you can have this one and
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time you want. okay? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> you're done. >> stephen: okay. did i win? did i win? >> you got your one. but that's it. because you're not going to get those two. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: my understanding is-- my understanding is you think that one who doesn't eat the marshmallow first you found were more successful in life? >> the longer kids waited to get the two, the longer they waited, on the whole, generally, the more successful their lives turned out to be if they were consistent in how they continued in self-control over the life course. >> stephen: so delayed gratification, saying wait and you'll get two, in what other
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place, other than eating marshmallows, does that come in handy? >> it comes in handy, for example, if you have to start delaying gratification because you can't eat the marshmallows, because you're in a classroom, and you're trying to concentrate on what the teacher is saying. so what we found is that over the years, to our surprise-- i mean, we weren't predicting it-- that length of time kids wait is related, for example, to what their body weight is, what their body weight index is, their body mass index is by the time they're 32. it's related how well they pursue their goals, how effective they are at work. it's related to all kinds of things, including s.a.t. scores, when they're adolescent. >> stephen: do we even need the s.a.t.s anymore if we have the marshmallow tests. just get all the kids in the room, the kid who waits for the two marshmallows, right to the ivy league. >> there are a few steps in
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between. but there's no question that being able to do what you didn't do-- ( laughter ) is-- is something that can be very, very useful for you because what it's saying to us is that you actually were able to keep a goal in mind-- i want the two-- you were able to inhibit interfering responses like shoving it right in your mouth. ( laughter ). >> stephen: so good, though, they're delicious. >> you know, they're very special. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and you're able to use your attention, which you didn't do-- ( laughter ) in a way that lets you actually not gobble the marshmallow and keep on going. that's a very fundamental skill. it now has a fancy name. it's called executive control. >> stephen: these are very good marshmallows. >> they're very special. >> stephen: were they this good back in the 60s. i know marshmallow technologies-- every 18 months the storage capacity of a
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marshmallow doubles. i believe it's called s'mores law. ( cheers and applause ). do you not want one? >> no, i don't you. >> stephen: don't want one? >> i actually don't like the things. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: walter. walther mischel, "the marshmallow test." ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. >>right twix has the same thing. they have packing tape like that over at right twix? try both. pick a side. twix and this is the new ♪this is iphone 6 plus. 6. they're the biggest iphones ever made. they're huge. yeah, but their size is just the beginning. even though they're huge. sure, sure. but they could change the way you see the world. oh, that is so huge. they could improve your health. huge! they're the biggest, most powerful iphones ever made. huuuuuuuggggeee! huuuuuuuggggeee! stop it, please. huuuuuuuggggeee! stop it... thank you.
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♪ huge.♪ comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
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♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ today, we are going to talk about hell! hello, satan! saddam. us jews don't believe in hell. but what if we're wrong? let's go! they killed kenny! he had sins that he didn't confess! satan: no, saddam. i told you, i'm with chris now. boys, it is your christian duty to save the souls of your friends. i love you, satan. i love you, too, saddam. aah! aah! fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis! ay! i've got to try, richie! ooh! if this guy's going to hell, who's gonna save us? well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves! go, fonz! aaaaa-- and now, the exciting conclusion of "south park." aaaay! [ gurgling ] aah! i told him he couldn't do it.
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[ birds chirping ] i am saying this because we must be saved-a! the lord is powerful, and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-a! if you do not live your life for him-a, then to the lake of fire you shall go-a! you see that, parents? your children have refused to come in to class since this morning! i'm afraid your son is the leader, ms. cartman. apparently, he's read the entire bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone. poopie-kins! it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. don't you guys, um, persecrute our religious beliefs! we're not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school! what purpose does school have? the bible says the only goal in this life is to praise god and get into heaven! this life is short. the afterlife is forever! don't listen to them, kids. you have to go to school! many of you knew kenny mccormick. he was a playful, school-going 8-year-old. and then yesterday, he was smacked down by the lord-a! god bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell-a!
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so, when will you go? tomorrow? 10 years? does it matter? no! because unless you give this life to the lord, that life belongs to satan! [ children gasp ] but we cannot worship god in that church where the priest of sin resides, so we will build a new church-a! with crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part nah to this part nah. who will help us? i will! i will! i will! i will! praise god-a! [ people screaming ] if i go spend the night with saddam, then it's over between me and chris. chris has been so nice to me, and i know saddam will just hurt me again. m-maybe i'll just go talk to saddam. i need closure. yeah, that's it. i need closure. what am i doing? what took ya so long, baby? saddam, i'm just here to talk. great! let's talk! mmm, this bed is comfy-womfy! saddam, i only came here because i need closure.


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